GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS:



A BRIEF AND FAITHFUL RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING 

MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN 

BUNYAN;



WHEREIN IS PARTICULARLY SHOWED THE MANNER OF HIS 

CONVERSION, HIS SIGHT AND TROUBLE FOR SIN, HIS 

DREADFUL TEMPTATIONS, ALSO HOW HE DESPAIRED OF 

GOD'S MERCY, AND HOW THE LORD AT LENGTH THROUGH 

CHRIST DID DELIVER HIM FROM ALL THE GUILT AND 

TERROR THAT LAY UPON HIM.



Whereunto is added a brief relation of his call to the work of the 

ministry, of his temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in 

prison. All which was written by his own hand there, and now 

published for the support of the weak and tempted people of God.



"Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath 

done for my soul."—Psalm 66:16.



London: Printed by George Larkin, 1666.



This title page was afterwards altered, and instead of what follows the 

first line, he inserted,



Or a brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ 

to his poor servant, John Bunyan; namely, in his taking of him out of 

the dunghill, and converting of him to the faith of his blessed Son, 

Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly showed, what sight of, and what 

trouble he had for sin; and also what various temptations he hath met 

with, and how God hath carried him through them.



Corrected and much enlarged now by the Author, for the benefit of the 

tempted and dejected Christian.





ADVERTISEMENT BY THE EDITOR.



The great utility of remarkable accounts of the ways of God in bringing 

his sheep into the fold, must be admitted by all. The Bible abounds 

with these manifestations of Divine grace from the gentle voice that 

called Samuel, even unto the thunder which penetrated the soul of one, 

who followed the church with continued malignity, calling unto him, 

"Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?"—a voice so terrible, and 

accompanied by such a flood of light, as to strike the persecutor to the 

earth, and for a season to deprive him of sight.



The 'Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners' is doubly interesting, as 

it unfolds to us not only the return of a notorious prodigal, but a 

wondrous system of education, by which a chosen man was fitted for a 

wondrous work; heavenly and spiritual learning, which could not have 

been obtained in all the schools and universities in the world. It enabled 

a poor, vile, unlettered rebel—a blasphemous travelling tinker, to 

become a most eminent preacher; one whose native powers, sanctified 

by harrowing but hallowing feelings, attracted the deep attention of the 

most learned and pious of his contemporaries, while it carried 

conviction to the most impious and profane. Even beyond all this, his 

spiritual acquirements fitted him, without scholastic learning, to 

become the most popular, the most attractive, the most useful of 

English authors. His works increase remarkably in popularity. As time 

rolls on, they are still read with deeper and deeper interest, while his 

bodily presence and labours mingle in the records of the events of 

bygone ages.



Bunyan's account of his singular trials and temptations may have 

excited alarm in the minds of some young Christians lest they should 

be in an unconverted state, because they have not been called to pass 

through a similar mode of training. Pray recollect, my dear young 

Christian, that all are not called to such important public labours as 

Bunyan, or Whitfield, or Wesley. All the members of the Christian 

family are trained to fit them for their respective positions in the church 

of Christ. It is a pleasant and profitable exercise to look back to the day 

of our espousals, and trace the operations of Divine grace in digging us 

from the hole of the pit; but the important question with us all should 

be, not so much HOW we became enlightened, but NOW do we love 

Christ? Now do we regret our want of greater conformity to his image? 

If we can honestly answer these questions in the affirmative, we are 

believers, and can claim our part in that precious promise, "Whosoever 

liveth and believeth in me shall never die." Spiritual life is ours, and 

eternal life is essentially connected with it, and must be our portion, 

without an inquiry into the means by which we were called, whether by 

the thunders and lighting of Sinai, as Paul was smitten, or by the "still 

small voice" (Acts 9:3,4; 1 Kings 19:12; Job 4:16,17).



The value of such a narrative to a terror-stricken prodigal is vividly 

shown by Bunyan, in his 'Jerusalem Sinner Saved,' in one of those 

colloquial pieces of composition in which he eminently shone. 'Satan is 

loath to part with a great sinner. "What, my true servant," quoth he, 

"my old servant, wilt thou forsake me now? Having so often sold 

thyself to me to work wickedness, wilt thou forsake me now? Thou 

horrible wretch, dost not know, that thou hast sinned thyself beyond the 

reach of grace, and dost think to find mercy now? Art not thou a 

murderer, a thief, a harlot, a witch, a sinner of the greatest size, and 

dost thou look for mercy now? Dost thou think that Christ will foul his 

fingers with thee? It is enough to make angels blush, saith Satan, to see 

so vile a one knock at heaven-gates for mercy, and wilt thou be so 

abominably bold to do it?" Thus Satan dealt with me, says the great 

sinner, when at first I came to Jesus Christ. And what did you reply? 

Saith the tempted. Why, I granted the whole charge to be true, says the 

other. And what, did you despair, or how? No, saith he, I said, I am 

Magdalene, I am Zacheus, I am the thief, I am the harlot, I am the 

publican, I am the prodigal, and one of Christ's murderers; yea, worse 

than any of these; and yet God was so far off from rejecting of me, as I 

found afterwards, that there was music and dancing in his house for me, 

and for joy that I was come home unto him. O blessed be God for 

grace, says the other, for then I hope there is favour for me.'



The 'Grace Abounding' is a part of Bunyan's prison meditations, and 

strongly reminds us of the conversation between Christian and Hopeful 

on the enchanted ground.



'Christian. Now then, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into 

good discourse.



'Hopeful. With all my heart.



'Christian. Where shall we begin?



'Hopeful. Where God began with us.'



To prevent drowsiness, to beguile the time, he looks back to his past 

experience, and the prison became his Patmos—the gate of heaven—a 

Bethel, in which his time was occupied in writing for the benefit of his 

fellow-Christians. He looks back upon all the wondrous way through 

which the Lord had led him from the City of Destruction to Mount 

Zion. While writing his own spiritual pilgrimage, his great work broke 

upon his imagination.



'And thus it was: I writing of the way,

And race of saints, in this our gospel day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory

About their journey, and the way to glory.'



'As you read the "Grace Abounding," you are ready to say at every step, 

here is the future author of the "Pilgrim's Progress." It is as if you stood 

beside some great sculptor, and watched every movement of his chisel, 

having seen his design; so that at every blow some new trait of beauty 

in the future statue comes clearly into view.'[1]



A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to 

whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally, as it 

respects his bad conduct before his conversion, or whether he views 

himself through a glass, by which his evil habits are magnified. No one 

can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrates his bad, as well as his 

redeeming qualities; nor does his narrative appear to be exaggerated. 

He was the son of a travelling tinker, probably a gipsy, 'the meanest 

and most despised rank in the land'; when, alarmed at his sins, 

recollection that the Israelites were once the chosen people of God, he 

asked his father, whether he was of that race; as if he thought that his 

family were of some peculiar people, and it was easy for such a lad to 

blend the Egyptians with the Israelitish race. When he was defamed, his 

slanderers called him a witch, or fortune teller, a Jesuit, a highwayman, 

or the like. Brought up to his father's trade, with his evil habits 

unchecked, he became a very depraved lad; and when he states his sad 

character, it is with a solemn pledge that his account is strictly true. 

Probably, with a view to the full gratification of his sinful propensities, 

he entered the army, and served among the profligate soldiers of 

Charles I at the siege of Leicester.[2]



During this time, he was ill at ease; he felt convinced of sin, or 

righteousness, and of judgment, without a hope of mercy. Hence his 

misery and internal conflicts, perhaps the most remarkable of any upon 

record. His own Giant Despair seized him with an iron grasp. He felt 

himself surrounded by invisible beings, and in the immediate presence 

of a holy God. By day, he was bewildered with tormenting visions, and 

by night alarming dreams presented themselves to him upon his bed. 

The fictitious appeared to his terrified imagination realities. His excited 

spirit became familiar with shapeless forms and fearful powers. The 

sorrows of death, and the pains of hell, got hold upon him. His internal 

conflict was truly horrible, as one who thought himself under the power 

of demons; they whispered in his ears—pulled his clothes; he madly 

fought, striking at imaginary shades with his hands, and stamping with 

his feet at the destroyer. Thoughts of the unpardonable sin beset him, 

his powerful bodily frame became convulsed with agony, as if his 

breast bone would split, and he burst asunder like Judas. He possessed 

a most prolific mind, affording constant nourishment to this excited 

state of his feelings. He thought that he should be bereft of his wits; 

than a voice rushed in at the window like the noise of wind, very 

pleasant, and produced a great calm in his soul. His intervals of ease, 

however, were short; the recollection of his sins, and a fear that he had 

sold his Saviour, haunted his affrighted spirit. His soul became so 

tormented, as to suggest to his ideas the suffering of a malefactor 

broken upon the wheel. The climax of these terrors is narrated at 

paragraph No. 187. 'Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or 

do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sat down upon a 

settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful 

state my sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted up my 

head, but methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did 

grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles 

upon the houses, did bend themselves against me; methought that they 

all combined together, to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of 

them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be a partaker of their benefits, 

because I had sinned against the Saviour.' In this deep abyss of misery, 

THAT love which has heights and depths passing knowledge, laid 

under him the everlasting arms, and raised him from the horrible pit in 

miry clay, when no human powers could have reached his case. Dr. 

Cheever eloquently remarks, that 'it was through this valley of the 

shadow of death, overhung by darkness, peopled with devils, 

resounding with blasphemy and lamentations; and passing amidst 

quagmires and pitfalls, close by the very mouth of hell, that Bunyan 

journeyed to that bright and fruitful land of Beulah, in which he 

sojourned during the latter days of his pilgrimage.' The only trace 

which his cruel sufferings and temptations seen to have left behind 

them, was an affectionate compassion for those who were still in the 

state in which he had once been.



Young Christians, you must not imagine that all these terrors are 

absolute prerequisites to faith in the Saviour. God, as a sovereign, calls 

his children to himself by various ways. Bunyan's was a very 

extraordinary case, partly from his early habits––his excitable mind, at 

a period so calculated to fan a spark of such feelings into a flame. His 

extraordinary inventive faculties, softened down and hallowed by this 

fearful experience, became fitted for most extensive usefulness.



To eulogize this narrative, would be like 'gilding refined gold'; but I 

cannot help remarking, among a multitude of deeply interesting 

passages, his observations upon that honest open avowal of Christian 

principles, which brought down severe persecution upon him. They 

excite our tenderest sympathy; his being dragged from his home and 

wife and children, he says, 'hath oft been to me, as the pulling my flesh 

from my bones; my poor blind child, what sorrow art thou like to have 

for thy portion in this world! thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer 

hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot 

now endure the wind should blow upon thee. O, I saw I was as a man 

who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and 

children; yet, recollecting myself, thought I, I must venture you all with 

God.' How awful must be the state of the wretched persecutor, who 

occasions such sufferings to the children of the most high God!



In this edition, the greatest care has been taken to preserve the exact 

words of the author, as he first published them; where he altered or 

added to the text in subsequent editions, it is marked with an inverted 

comma, or inserted in the notes. Obsolete words and customs are 

explained; the numbering of his sections is continued, in addition to 

which, it is divided into chapters for family reading, upon the plan of 

the late Rev. J. Ivimey; double inverted commas denote quotations of 

Scripture.



The reader is strongly pressed to keep in his recollection the peculiar 

use made of the word should, by the author in this narrative. It is from 

the Saxon scealan, to be obliged. Thus, in the Saxon gospels (Matt 

27:15), "the governor should release unto the people a prisoner"; in our 

version it is, "was wont to release," meaning that custom compelled 

him so to do. In Bunyan's phraseology, the word should is used in the 

same sense, that is, to show that, under peculiar circumstances, his 

feelings or position involuntarily produced a certain result. Thus, in No. 

6, Troubled with the thoughts of judgment and condemnation I should 

tremble; and in No. 15, The father of his wife having left her two 

books, in these I should sometimes read; probably the only books he 

then had. It is remarkable, that although the Saxon language had not 

been spoken in Bedfordshire for many centuries, still many valuable 

words remained in use.



The order in which this thrilling narrative of Bunyan's religious feelings 

and experience is now for the first time published, is, I. Grace 

Abounding to the Chief of Sinners––his call to the ministry, and his 

imprisonment for refusing to attend the Church of England service. II. 

His Relation of the Circumstances attending his incarceration in 

Bedford Jail. III. The continuation of his Life to his decease, written by 

one of his friends, and always printed with Grace Abounding. IV. His 

Dying Thoughts. V. His Prison Meditations––verses which were 

probably sold on a broadside or sheet of paper by his children, to 

procure necessaries for his family.



The length of the notes may need some apology; the only one the editor 

can make is his veneration for John Bunyan, and his earnest desire to 

render this inestimable book more deeply interesting, by explaining 

manners, customs, and words not now in use; the note on No. 232, 

occupied the time of one whole day.



The errors, omissions, and additions, which existed to a most 

extraordinary extent through the book, have been corrected, and the 

text restored to its primitive beauty; among many hundred of these 

errors, one may suffice as a specimen; it is in Bunyan's preface, 'God 

did not play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of 

me,' this is altered in many editions to 'God did not play in tempting of 

me.'



Most earnestly do I hope that this republication, now for the first time, 

for nearly two hundred years, given in its native excellence and purity, 

may be attended with the Divine blessing, to the comfort of many 

despairing Jerusalem sinners; to the building up of the church of Christ 

on earth; to the extension of pure, heart-felt, genuine Christianity; and 

to the confusion of the persecutors. They intended, by shutting the 

pious pilgrim up in a dungeon, to prevent his voice from being heard to 

the comfort of his poor neighbours, and by which violence, his 

persecutors have caused his voice to burst the prison doors and walls, 

and to be heard over the whole world. His 'Pilgrim's Progress,' which 

was written in prison, has been, and now is, a guide to Christian 

pilgrims of all nations, kindreds, tribes, and people, teaching them not 

to rest content in any national religion, but personally to search the 

Scriptures, with earnest supplications to the God of mercy and truth, 

that they may be guided to Christ, as the Alpha and Omega of their 

salvation. 



GEORGE OFFOR.







A PREFACE, OR BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING OF 

THIS WORK,

WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO 

THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO 

BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD.



Children, grace be with you, Amen. I being taken from you in presence, 

and so tied up, that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie 

upon me to youward, for your further edifying and building up in faith 

and holiness, &c., yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and 

desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare; I now once again, as 

before, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, so 'now' from the lions' 

dens, from the mountains of the leopards (Song 4:8), do look yet after 

you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into the desired 

haven.[3]



I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I 

stick between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace, and 

mercy, and knowledge of Christ our saviour, which God hath bestowed 

upon you, with abundance of faith and love. Your hungerings and 

thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father, in his Son; 

your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy 

deportment also, before both God and men, is great refreshment to me; 

"For ye are my glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:20).



I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey, that I have taken 

out of the carcase of a lion (Judg 14:5-9). I have eaten thereof myself 

also, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when we meet 

them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but if we 

overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of 

honey within them.) The Philistines understand me not. It is 'something 

of' a relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very 

first, till now; wherein you may perceive my castings down, and 

raisings up; for he woundeth, and his hands make whole. It is written in 

the Scripture (Isa 38:19), "The father to the children shall make known 

the truth of God." Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai (Deut 

4:10,11), to see the fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, that I might 

fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of his 

wondrous works to my children (Psa 78:3-5).



Moses (Num 33:1,2) writ of the journeyings of the children of Israel, 

from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also, that they did 

remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. "Thou shalt 

remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years 

in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was 

in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no" 

(Deut 8:2). Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so, 

but to publish it also; that, if God will, others may be put in 

remembrance of what he hath done for their souls, by reading his work 

upon me.



It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very 

beginnings of grace with their souls. "It is a night to be much observed 

unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt: this is that 

night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their 

generations" (Exo 12:42). "O my God," saith David (Psa 42:6), "my 

soul is cast down within me; therefore will I remember thee from the 

land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar." He 

remembered also the lion and the bear, when he went to fight with the 

giant of Gath (1 Sam 17:36,37).



It was Paul's accustomed manner (Acts 22), and that when tried for his 

life (Acts 24), even to open, before his judges, the manner of his 

conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in the which he 

first did meet with grace;[4] for he found it support unto him. When 

God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the 

wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to remember 

the drowning of their enemies there (Num 14:25). For though they sang 

his praise before, yet "they soon forgat his works" (Psa 106:11-13).



In this discourse of mine you may see much; much, I say, of the grace 

of God towards me. I thank God I can count it much, for it was above 

my sins and Satan's temptations too. I can remember my fears, and 

doubts, and sad months with comfort; they are as the head of Goliah in 

my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliah's sword, even that 

sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight 

and remembrance of that did preach forth God's deliverance to him. 

Oh, the remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of 

my great fears of perishing for ever! They bring afresh into my mind 

the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and 

that the great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.



My dear children, call to mind the former days, "and the years of 

ancient times: remember also your songs in the night; and commune 

with your own heart" (Psa 73:5-12). Yea, look diligently, and leave no 

corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of 

your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you. 

Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you; remember 

your terrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell; remember also 

your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge 

for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to remember? Have you forgot 

the close, the milk house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God 

did visit your soul?[5] Remember also the Word––the Word, I say, 

upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned 

against light; if you are tempted to blaspheme; if you are down in 

despair; if you think God fights against you; or if heaven is hid from 

your eyes, remember it was thus with your father, but out of them all 

the Lord delivered me.



I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations 

and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of 

God with my soul. I could also have stepped into a style much higher 

than this in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all 

things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not. God did not 

play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me, 

neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs 

of hell caught hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in my relating 

of them, but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was. He 

that liketh it, let him receive it; and he that does not, let him produce a 

better. Farewell.



My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God 

be merciful to you, and grant 'that' you be not slothful to go in to 

possess the land.



JOHN BUNYAN.







GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS;

OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD 

IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN.



[BUNYAN'S ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF PREVIOUS TO HIS 

CONVERSION.]



1. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it 

will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a 

hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the 

goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced 

and magnified before the sons of men.



2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and 

inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank that is 

meanest and most despised of all the families in the land.[6] Wherefore 

I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born 

state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify 

the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door he brought me into this 

world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.



3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my 

parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to 

learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to the 

rate of other poor men's children;[7] though, to my shame I confess, I 

did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and that 

long before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon 

my soul.



4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the 

world, it was indeed according to the course of this world, and "the 

spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience" (Eph 2:2,3). It 

was my delight to be "taken captive by the devil at his will" (2 Tim 

2:26). Being filled with all unrighteousness: the which did also so 

strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that 

from a child, that I had but few equals, especially considering my years, 

which were tender, being few, both for cursing, swearing, lying, and 

blaspheming the holy name of God.



5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as 

a second nature to me; the which, as I also have with soberness 

considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he 

did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with 

dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the other day in 

sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the 

apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, 

laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.



6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with 

the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day, and 

should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell fire; still 

fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last amongst those devils 

and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and 

bonds of eternal darkness, "unto the judgment of the great day."



7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, 'but nine or ten years 

old,' did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports 

and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much 

cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my 

sins. Yea, I was 'also then' so overcome with despair of life and heaven, 

that I should often wish either that there had been no hell, or that I had 

been a devil–– supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must 

needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than 'be' 

tormented myself.



8. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon 

forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, 

as if they had never been: wherefore, with more greediness, according 

to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to my lusts, and 

delighted in all transgression against the law of God: so that, until I 

came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth 

that kept me company, into all manner of vice and ungodliness.[8]



9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor 

soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had 

not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid 

myself open, even to the stroke of those laws, which bring some to 

disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.



10. In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I 

could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when 

I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it 

would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God, "Depart from 

me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways" (Job 21:14). I was now 

void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight 

and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my 

thoughts.[9] O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid 

from thee.



11. Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the 

greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my 

companions; yet, even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things, 

by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As 

once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing 

one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a 

stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.



12. 'But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now 

with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. 

For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. 

Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but mercy yet 

preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field with one of 

my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so I, 

having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned 

her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out 

with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful unto me, I 

might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.'



13. 'This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a 

soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege 

it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in 

my room; to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and 

coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with 

a musket bullet, and died.'[10]



14. 'Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did 

awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew 

more and more rebellious against God, and careless of mine own 

salvation.'



15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state, 

and my mercy was to light upon a wife whose father was counted 

godly.[11] This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor 

might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon 

betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man's Pathway 

to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her 

when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her, 

wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me; 

but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often 

telling of me, what a godly man her father was, and how he would 

reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and amongst his 

neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his day, both in word 

and deed.



16. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach 

my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget 

within me some desires to religion: so that, because I knew no better, I 

fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to church 

twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very 

devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my wicked life; 

but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of superstition, that I adored, 

and that with great devotion, even all things, both the high place, priest, 

clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to the church; 

counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially the 

priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, 

because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were 

principal in the holy temple, to do his work therein.



17. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I 

but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I 

should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him; 

yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing they were 

the ministers of God, I could have lain down at their feet, and have 

been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work, did so 

intoxicate and bewitch me.



18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought 

came into my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or 

no? For finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar 

people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs 

be happy.[12] Now again, I found within me a great longing to be 

resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last I 

asked my father of it; who told me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I 

fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.



19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I 

was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion 

soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of 

him, nor whether there was one, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth 

wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way 

to the city of God (Eccl 10:15).



20. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject 

was, to treat of the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either 

with labour, sports, or otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my 

religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and 

especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,[13] 

wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and 

believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil 

doing; and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I 

can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, 

and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden 

upon my spirit.



21. This, for that instant, did 'benumb'[14] the sinews of my 'best' 

delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it 

lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my 

mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! How glad was I, 

that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, 'that I 

might sin again without control!' Wherefore, when I had satisfied 

nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old 

custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight.



22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat,[15] and 

having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it 

the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, 

which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins 

and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore, 

leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I 

had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking 

down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if he did 

severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and 

other my ungodly practices.



23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this 

conclusion was fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my 

sins again before my face, that I had been a great and grievous sinner, 

and that it was now too too late for me to look after heaven; for Christ 

would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to 

musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest it 

should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; 

and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, 

if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my 

sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I 

must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be damned 

for few.



24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were 

present; but yet I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this 

conclusion, I returned 'desperately' to my sport again; and I well 

remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, 

that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comfort than what I 

should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must 

not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of 

sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste 

the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly 

with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I 

feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do 

I feign this sort of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my 

heart, my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive 

me my transgressions.



25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more 

usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun 

their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of 

conscience; which frame, he stilly and slyly supplieth with such 

despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they 

continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hopes 

for them; for they have loved sins, "therefore after them they will go" 

(Jer 2:25, 18:12).



26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still 

grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did 

continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was 

standing at a neighbour's shop-window, and there cursing and 

swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat 

within, the woman of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a 

very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at 

that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told 

me further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she 

heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the 

youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.



27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, 

as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, 

and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might be 

a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without this 

wicked way of swearing;[16] for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, 

that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could 

never be.



28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so 

leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; 

and whereas before, I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath 

before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; now, I 

could, 'without it,' speak better, and with more pleasantness, than ever I 

could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave 

my sports and plays.



29. But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that 

made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly 

of the Scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore, falling into 

some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and 

began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the 

historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles, and Scriptures of that 

nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant, either of 

the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ 

to save me.



30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words 

and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to 

heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I 

thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have 

comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my 

conscience; but then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and 

promise God to do better next time, and there get help again, 'for then I 

thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.'



31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did 

take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did 

marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and 

manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor 

grace, nor faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen since, had then 

died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued about a 

twelvemonth or more.



32. 'But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great 

conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral 

life; and, truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, 

as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man.[17] Now, therefore, they 

began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, 

and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I 

was become a right honest man. But, oh! When I understood that these 

were their words and opinions of men, it pleased me mighty well. For 

though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved 

to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my 

godliness, and, indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well 

spoken of, by man. And thus I continued for about a twelvemonth or 

more.'



33. 'Now, you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in 

ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such 

practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my 

mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple house, and look on 

it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion 

neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly after, I 

began to think, How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to 

stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to 

side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think again, 

should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then 

rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me 

stand in the steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for, if a 

bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be 

preserved notwithstanding.'



34. 'So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go 

further than the steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if the 

steeple itself should fall? And this thought, it may fall for ought I 

know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, 

that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to 

flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.'



35. 'Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could 

quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that 

commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was 

good, I had great peace in my conscience; and should think with 

myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it 

in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better 

than I.'



36. 'But poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus 

Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had 

perished therein, had not God, in mercy, showed me more of my state 

of nature."



[HIS CONVERSION AND PAINFUL EXERCISES OF MIND, 

PREVIOUS TO HIS JOINING THE CHURCH AT BEDFORD.]



37. But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to 

Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I 

came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the 

sun, and talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear 

them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a 

brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say, I 

heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach; 

for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, 

also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they 

talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus, 

and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, 

and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they 

reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and 

told to each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were 

borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own 

wretchedness of heart, of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and 

abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do them any 

good.



38. And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they 

spake with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such 

appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had 

found a new world,[18] as if they were people that dwelt alone, and 

were not to be reckoned among their neighbours (Num 23:9).



39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my 

condition to be nought; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion 

and salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew 

I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and 

treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no 

notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were, 

nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, &c.



40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I 

left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and 

discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was 

greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was 

convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also 

because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of 

him that was such a one.[19]



41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and 

again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away; 

and the more I went amongst them, the more  did question my 

condition; and as I still do remember, presently I found two things 

within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering 

what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I 

was; the one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which 

caused me to fall under the conviction of what by Scripture they 

asserted; and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual 

meditating on it, and on all other good things which at any time I heard 

or read of.



42. 'By these things' my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse 

leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15); yea, it was so 

fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that 

is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little; that 

neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loosen 

it, or make it let go his hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet 

it is in very deed a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for 

me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it 

often since to get it again from earth to heaven.'



43. 'One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to 

whom my heart before was knit more than to any other, but he being a 

most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now 

shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year 

after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he 

did; he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, He was well. 

But, Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become 

of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chafe, 

What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am?'



44. 'About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put forth 

by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by 

several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make a 

judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon 

them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to hearty 

prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the 

truth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to 

approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise 

it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul, in this 

matter, only at thy foot; let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech thee. 

I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the 

poor man that I spoke of before; but about this time he also turned a 

most devilish Ranter,[20] and gave himself up to all manner of 

filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there was a 

God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. 

When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more, 

and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could never 

light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a little time I should 

see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, 

abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and 

became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.'



45. 'Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying 

in the country, I happened to light into several people's company, who, 

though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these 

Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me 

as legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection 

that could do what they would, and not sin. Oh! These temptations 

were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its 

prime; but God, who had, as I hope, designed me for better things, kept 

me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to accept of such 

cursed principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry 

to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for I 

have since seen even the effect of that prayer, in his preserving me not 

only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. 

The Bible was precious to me in those days.'



46. And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, 

and read as I never did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle 

Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then never out 

of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, 

that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.



47. And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is 

given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of 

knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith,' &c. (1 Cor 12:8,9). 

And though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture the Holy Ghost 

intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten 

with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that 

understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I 

mused, and could not tell what to do, 'especially this word faith put me 

to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had 

any faith or no'; for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that 

other good people had give them of God;[21] but I was loath to 

conclude I had no faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall 

count myself a very cast-away indeed.



48. No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant 

sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding 

that other good people have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not 

altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was showed 

me, and that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that those who 

conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in 

their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.



49. Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see 

my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and 

destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my blind and sad 

conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, 'insomuch' that I 

might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until I did 

now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this 

always running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But 

how can you tell you have faith? 'and, besides, I saw for certain, if I had 

not, I was sure to perish for ever.'



50. So that though I endeavoured at the first, to look over the business 

of faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was willing 

to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But, alas, poor 

wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more 

how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and 

curious piece of art, which I never yet saw not considered.



51. Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my 

plunge about it, for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter 

broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider, the tempter 

came in with his delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had 

faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those Scriptures that 

seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his 

temptation. Nay, one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the 

temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing of some 

miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I must say to the puddles 

that were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the 

puddles. And truly, one time I was agoing to say so indeed; but just as I 

was about to speak, this thought came into my mind, But go under 

yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I 

had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and 

came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then 

be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away and lost. Nay, thought I, if it 

be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little longer.



52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, 

which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for the 

present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to 

have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and 

so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.



53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at 

Bedford was thus, in a dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if 

they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing 

themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering 

and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. 

Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass 

about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire 

to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very midst 

of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.



54. About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still prying 

as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might 

enter therein; but none could I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as 

it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I 

attempted to pass; but the passage being very strait and narrow, I made 

many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well nigh quite 

beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at 

first did get in my head, and after that, by a sidling striving, my 

shoulders, and my whole body; then was I exceeding glad, and went 

and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light 

and heat of their sun.



55. Now, this mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the 

mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone 

thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were 

therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word, that did make separation 

between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in this 

wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father 

(John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful 

narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter 

in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but those that 

were in downright earnest,[22] and unless also they left this wicked 

world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not 

for body and soul, and sin.[23]



56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time, 

I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a 

vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the 

sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or 

abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with lifting up of heart, 

sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I 

knew not where I was.



57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I 

had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to 

find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future 

happiness; especially with such as these, Whether I was elected? But 

how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?



58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; 

sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to 

speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time, 

that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and 

though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so 

offend and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if the 

very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and 

power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all 

my desires, "It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of 

God that showeth mercy" (Rom 9:16).



59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently saw, 

that unless the great God, of his infinite grace and bounty, had 

voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, 

and long and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it. 

Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are 

elected? And what if you should not? How then?



60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are 

not, said the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said 

Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no further; for if, indeed, 

you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your 

being saved; "For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that 

runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."



61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to 

say, or how to answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that 

Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence, 

thus to start the question; for, that the elect only attained eternal life, 

that I, without scruple, did heartily close withal; but that myself was 

one of them, there lay all the question.



62. Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and 

perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink 

where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been 

so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite 

giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence 

fell with weight upon my spirit, "Look at the generations of old and 

see; did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?"



63. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for 

thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the 

beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelation, and see if 

you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord, and was 

confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I 

could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was 

so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as 

if it talked with me.



64. Well, I looked, but I found it not ; only it abode upon me; then I did 

ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, 

but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence 

should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize and 

abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not 

but it was in holy Scripture.



65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at 

last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in 

Ecclesiasticus 2:10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but 

because, by this time, I had got more experience of the love and 

kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered, 

that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet 

forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the 

promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for 

that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times, shine 

before my face.



66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But 

how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have 

over-stood the time of mercy? Now, I remember that one day, as I was 

walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if 

the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter 

presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested 

thus unto me, That these being converted already, they were all that 

God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had 

got the blessing before I came.



67. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might 

well be so; wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad 

condition, counting myself far worse than a thousand fools, for 

standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had 

done; still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner; Oh, that I had 

turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think 

that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul 

and heaven were lost.



68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able 

to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my 

other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, "Compel 

them to come in, that my house may be filled"; "and yet there is room" 

(Luke 14:22,23). These words, but especially them, "And yet there is 

room" were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw 

there was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the 

Lord Jesus did speak these words, he then did think of me; and that he 

knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear 

that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this 

word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against 

this vile temptations. 'This, I then verily believed.'



69. In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while; 

and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus 

should think on me so long ago, and that he should speak them words 

on purpose for my sake; for I did then think, verily, that he did on 

purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.



70. 'But I was not without my temptations to go back again; 

temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal 

acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound 

sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, 

continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, 

of whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan 

5:19). Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, 

one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which consideration 

was a great help to me.'



71. 'I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning 

the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts 

were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of 

God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked 

one. Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I, 

they show us we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the 

hoof; I thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with 

the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them I 

found, that though we did chew the cud as the hare, yet if we walked 

with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we 

did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but 

unclean; for I thought the here to be a type of those that talk of the 

Word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that 

parteth with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith, 

without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so 

devout (Deut 14).' After this I found, by reading the Word, that those 

that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by 

him here; called to the partaking of a share in his Word and 

righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit, and to a 

peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit 

the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.



72. Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, 

fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can 

do me good? 'None but those who are effectually called, inherit the 

kingdom of heaven.' But oh! how I now loved those words that spake 

of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord said to one, "Follow me," and 

to another, "Come after me." And oh! thought I, that he would say so to 

me too, how gladly would I run after him!



73. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I 

cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to 

be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in 

a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. 

Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what could I have given for it! 

had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, 

that my soul might have been in a converted state.



74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be 

converted men and women! they shone, they walked like a people that 

carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was 

fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage (Psa 

16:6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He 

went up into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they 

came unto him (Mark 3:13).



75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. 

That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to 

me, for he called "whom he would." But oh! the glory that I saw in that 

condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any 

that Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had been in their 

clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or 

would I had been by and had heard him when he called them, how 

would I have cried, O Lord, call me also. But oh! I feared he would not 

call me.



76. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and 

showed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called 

hereafter. But at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God, 

that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that 

Word came in upon me—"I will cleanse their blood that I have not 

cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion" (Joel 3:21). These words I 

thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God, and signified 

unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come I might be in 

truth converted unto Christ.[24]



77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in 

Bedford, and to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard, 

they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk 

with me, and was willing to be 'well' persuaded of me, though I think 

but from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should 

hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul; 

from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time 

began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my 

wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it 

began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for 

wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and 

corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked 

thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for 

heaven and life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before my soul 

was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after 

every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that 

that was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it 

would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was 

as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying.



78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I further 

from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink 

greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my 

heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a stake, I 

could not believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither hear 

him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things; I was 

driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, the Canaanites 

would dwell in the land.



79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which, 

when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the 

promises; but they had as good have told me that I must reach the sun 

with my finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise; and 

as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against 

me; and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and 'that' lay under a law 

that would condemn.



80. These things have often made me think of that child which the 

father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was 

thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay 

and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).



81. Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against 

the Lord, and against his holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as 

it were, the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that too even 

then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord, break it 

open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron 

asunder (Psa 107:16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my 

heart a peaceable pause, "I girded thee, though thou hast not known 

me" (Isa 45:5).



82. But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender 

than now; I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, 

for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch; I 

could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace 

them. Oh, how gingerly[25] did I then go in all I did or said! I found 

myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and 'was' there left 

both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.



83. 'But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, 

yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon 

me; only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had 

been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me 

without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be 

found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.'



84. 'But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and 

my affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself 

within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I 

was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I thought I 

was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally 

bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain. I 

thought now that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have 

changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself 

could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell, 

therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I 

concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state 

of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to 

the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long while, 

even for some years together.'



85. 'While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, 

there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I 

saw old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live 

here always; the other was, when I found professors much distressed 

and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, 

wife, child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little 

things as these! What seeking after carnal things by some, and what 

grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and 

spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be 

bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is 

damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of 

it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread 

and water; I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear 

them as little burdens. "A wounded spirit who can bear?"'



86. And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the 

sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let 

this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found, that unless guilt 

of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of 

Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than 

better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that 

the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off without it 

(for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite 

away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by 

bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits; and should 

cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, but by the blood 

of Christ, and by the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul; 

for that Scripture lay much upon me, "without shedding of blood is no 

remission" (Heb 9:22). And that which made me the more afraid of this 

was, because I had seen some, who, though when they were under 

wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they seeking 

rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared 

not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind; and, 

therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto 

them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their 

trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God 'the more,' that 

it might not be so with me.



87. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I 

was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all 

the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I 

counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.



88. 'Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much 

goodness of heart, as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man 

indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible 

world; but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, 

birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their condition, for they had not a sinful 

nature, they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to 

go to hell fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my 

condition been as any of theirs.'



89. In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time 

was come, I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song 

(4:1), "Behold thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair." But at that 

time he made these two words, "My love," his chief and subject matter; 

from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these 

several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is 

Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's 

love when hated of the world. 4. Christ's love when under temptation, 

and under desertion. 5. Christ's love from first to last.



90. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to 

the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it 

be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and 

desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and afflicted 

with temptation, and the hidings of God's face, yet think on these two 

words, "My love," still.



91. So as I was a going home, these words came again into my 

thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, 

What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no 

sooner passed through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in 

my spirit, "Thou art my love, thou art my love," twenty times together; 

and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, 

and began to make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, 

I still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it true? At which, that 

sentence fell in upon me, He "wist not that it was true which was done 

by the angel" (Acts 12:9).



92. Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over 

and over make this joyful sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou 

art my love; and nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with 

that (Rom 8:39) came into my mind: Now was my heart filled full of 

comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be 

forgiven me; 'yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, 

that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I thought 

I could have spoken of his love, and of his mercy to me, even to the 

very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been 

capable to have understood me'; wherefore I said in my soul, with 

much gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write 

this down before I go any further, for surely I will not forget this forty 

years hence; but, alas! within less than forty days, I began to question 

all again; 'which made me begin to question all still.'



93. Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true 

manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life 

and savour of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much 

followed by this scripture, "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired 

to have you" (Luke 22:31). And sometimes it would sound so loud 

within me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above 

all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that 

some man had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance, 

'methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have 

stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me 

that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it 

not.'[26]



94. 'Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the 

last time that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what 

a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I 

thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, 

that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name, yet 

it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so 

loud meant me.'



95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this 

sound; which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from 

heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming; 

only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind, to think what 

should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so often 

and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I 

said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.



96. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down 

upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with 

before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another; 

first, all my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me, 

after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and 

the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and 

astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up 

questions in me, against the very being of God, and of his only beloved 

Son; as, whether there were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no? and 

whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, 

than the holy and pure Word of God?



97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, how can you tell 

but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the 

Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so 

many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be 

without the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were indeed 

a heaven, and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should 

alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion 

rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans! and how if all our faith, and 

Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?



98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, 

and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas! 

I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return 

again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of his 

words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a subtle and 

cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions; 

and also take both that pains and travel, to undo and destroy his 

fellows.



99. These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not, 

nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure 

upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, 

continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but 

these from morning to night within me; and as though, indeed, there 

could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in 

very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with 

them, as with a mighty whirlwind.



100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was 

something in me, that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I 

then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle, 

otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations, would 

drown and overflow; and as it were, bury all such thoughts or the 

remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I 

should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse and swear, or 

to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his Son, and of the 

Scriptures.[27]



101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times 

again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding 

and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him 

spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other, 

would bolt out of my heart against him; so that whether I did think that 

God was, or again did think there were no such thing; no love, nor 

peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.



102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded, 

that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved 

God. I often, when these temptations have been with force upon me, 

did compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath 

by force took up under her apron,[28] and is carrying from friend and 

country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was as 

bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me 

away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him; 

and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his (1 

Sam 16:14).



103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin 

against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire 

to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be 

quiet until I had committed that; now, no sin would serve but that; if it 

were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as 

if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and 

in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have 

been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from 

opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times, to leap 

with my head downward, into some muck hill hole or other, to keep my 

mouth from speaking.



104. Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the 

estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful 

state of mine, and such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I 

have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul 

to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was like 

to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces 

with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find 

that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also 

tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these distractions, "The wicked 

are like the troubled sea when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire 

and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked" (Isa 

57:20,21).



105. 'And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have 

given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor 

sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that 

this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; 

and others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others, 

again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of 

God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me; I 

thought my condition was alone. I should, therefore, much bewail my 

hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I could not.'



106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could 

attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great 

affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies; if I have 

been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair 

would hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then, 

sometimes, I had sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes, 

again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed 

with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor 

remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.



107. In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time; 

sometimes I have thought I should see the devil, nay, thought I have 

felt him, behind me, pull my clothes; he would be, also, continually at 

me in the time of prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you have 

prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away. 

Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I 

must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that—Fall 

down, or, "if thou wilt fall down and worship me" (Matt 4:9).



108. Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of 

this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, 

then, with great force, hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and 

confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and 

fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray 

to those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so hold my 

mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing 

else but to these, or such as they.



109. Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting 

apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of his gospel; but, oh! 

how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with inexpressible 

groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with 

pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me; but then I should 

be daunted again with such conceits as these; I should think that God 

did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the 

holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after me as if I had 

nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor 

fool![29] how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have a 

favour with the Highest.



110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such 

discouragements as these—You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool 

you; this frame shall not last always; many have been as hot as you for 

a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this, such and such 

who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should be 

afraid that I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes into 

my mind. Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you do, 

said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by 

degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven 

years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will 

lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my end 

accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet, if I can pull 

you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it be long.



111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could 

not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would 

make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear 

even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the 

need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and 

thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make 

me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who 

met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in which days that was a good 

word to me after I had suffered these things a while: "I am persuaded 

that neither - height, nor depth, nor life," &c., "shall – separate us from 

the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus" (Rom 8:38). And now I 

hoped long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.



112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then 

all questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was 

something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that 

chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we 

could, yet we should cry unto God, "My Father, thou art the guide of 

my youth"; and should return unto him.



113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21: 

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might 

be made the righteousness of God in him." I remember, also, that one 

day as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the 

consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my 

mind, What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and 

abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? that word came suddenly 

upon me, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, 

who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31). That, also, was an help unto me, 

"Because I live, ye shall live also" (John 14:19). But these were but 

hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only 

they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up 

from me to heaven again (Acts 10:16).



114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover 

himself unto me; and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the 

guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from 

the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put 

into my right mind again, as other Christians were.



115. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country and 

musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering 

of the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came in my mind, 

He hath "made peace through the blood of his cross" (Col 1:20). By 

which I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day, 

that God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the 

justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other 

through this blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall not forget 

it.



116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on 

my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, 

"Forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he 

also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might 

destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver 

them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to 

bondage" (Heb 2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these words was 

then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon 

as I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.



[BUNYAN ATTENDS THE MINISTRY OF MR. GIFFORD, AND 

BECOMES INTENSELY EARNEST TO UNDERSTAND THE 

DOCTRINES OF THE GOSPEL.]



117. At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, 

whose doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability.[30] This 

man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all 

those false and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and 

make to our souls. He pressed us to take special heed that we took not 

up any truth upon trust—as from this, or that, or any other man or 

men—but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the 

reality thereof, and set us down therein, by his own Spirit, in the holy 

Word; for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if 

strongly, you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, 

will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you 

thought you had.



118. This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in 

their season; for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of 

these his words; for I had felt [what] no man can say, especially when 

tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the Holy Ghost. 

Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this 

doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained to 

God's glory and my own eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be 

without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly 

there was an exceeding different betwixt the notions of flesh and blood, 

and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference between 

that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and of that 

which comes by a man's being born thereto of God (Matt 16:15-17; 1 

John 5:1).



119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! 

even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and 

second coming from heaven to judge the world.



120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very 

good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not anything that I 

then cried unto God to make known and reveal unto me but he was 

pleased to do it for me; I mean not one part of the gospel of the Lord 

Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with great 

evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work 

of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from his conception and birth 

even to his second coming to judgment, Methought I was as if I had 

seen him born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk 

through this world, from the cradle to his cross; to which, also, when he 

came, I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it 

for my sins and wicked doings. Also, as I was musing on this, his 

progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter 

(1 Peter 1:19,20).



121. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection, and have 

remembered that word, "Touch me not, Mary," &c., I have seen as if he 

leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that he was risen again, and had got 

the conquest over our dreadful foes (John 20:17). I have also, in the 

spirit, seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and 

have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world 

with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures 

following, Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, 10:42; Hebrews 7:24, 8:3; Revelation 

1:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.



122. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was 

both man as well as God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those 

days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from 

heaven, all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself set down in any 

truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not 

tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelation came 

into my mind, "And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of 

the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb." In the 

midst of the throne, 'thought I,' there is his Godhead; in the midst of the 

elders, there is his manhood; but oh! methought this did glister! it was a 

goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also 

did help me much in this, "To us a child is born, unto us a son is given; 

and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be 

called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, 

the Prince of Peace," &c. (Isa 9:6).



123. Also, besides these teachings of God in his Word, the Lord made 

use of two things to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors 

of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers 

did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading 

me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.[31]



124. 'The errors that this people then maintained were, 1. That the holy 

Scriptures were not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the world 

had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, &c. 3. That Christ Jesus, as 

crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for 

the sins of the people. 4. That Christ's flesh and blood was within the 

saints. 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the 

churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the resurrection is past with 

good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between 

two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, 

was not ascended up above the starry heavens. 8. That he should not, 

even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at 

the last day, and as man judge all nations, &c.'



125. 'Many more vile and abominable things were in those days 

fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of 

the Scriptures, and was, through their light and testimony, not only 

enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth'; and, as I 

said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come 

upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again, 

and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God 

to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like him.



126. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular 

how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how he did, 

that he might so do, lead me into his words; yea, and also how he did 

open them unto me, make them shine before me, and cause them to 

dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of his 

own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.



127. Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general 

he was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be 

afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to me: 

as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the 

ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the death of 

Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his blood, that I should 

find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience where but just 

now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the 

peace and love of God through Christ.



128. Now had I an evidence, 'as I thought, of my salvation' from 

heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now 

could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace, 

with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were 

come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and 

communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face 

was spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: 

for whereas, before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, 

now methought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I 

looked back, scarce discern it; and, oh! thought I, that I were fourscore 

years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to 

rest.[32]



129. 'But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did 

greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ 

some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in 

our days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had 

writ only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of 

their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived 

others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the 

deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose 

hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book 

of Martin Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians—it also was so 

old that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. 

Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my 

hands; the which, when I had but a little way perused, I found my 

condition, in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if 

his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel; for 

thus thought I, This man could not know anything of the state of 

Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of 

former days.'



130. 'Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the 

rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; 

showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death, and hell hath 

a very great hand therein, the which, at first, was very strange to me; 

but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars 

here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let fall before all men, 

I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, excepting the 

Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as most fit for a 

wounded conscience.'



131. 'And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! 

methought my soul cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I 

felt love to him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I should 

die in my nest; but I did quickly find that my great love was but little, 

and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, 

could let him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how to abase us, 

and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to 

purpose.'



132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered 

me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so 

sweetly in the faith of his holy gospel, and had given me such strong 

consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in 

his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with 

a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.



133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to 

exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation 

lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually 

that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour 

in many days together, unless 'when' I was asleep.



134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who 

were once effectually in Christ, as I hoped, through his grace, I had 

seen myself, could never lose him for ever—for "the land shall not be 

sold for ever, for the land is mine," saith God (Lev 25:23)[33]—yet it 

was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as 

one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for 

me as he had done; 'and yet then I had almost none others, but such 

blasphemous ones.'



135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and 

endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the 

continuation, or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost 

whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that I could 

neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to 

look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for 

this, or sell Christ for that; 'sell him, sell him.'



136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred 

times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say, 

for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually 

leaning and forcing my spirit against it, least haply, before I were 

aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent 

thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had 

consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days 

together.



137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some 

times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the 

very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this 

wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by 

way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or elbows,' still answering 

as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I 

will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus 

reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a 

value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be 

composed began.



138. 'At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, 

forsooth, when I was set at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I 

must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would 

this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I should say in myself, Now I 

am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or 

you will displease God, and despised Christ. Wherefore I was much 

afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature, 

imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to 

do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did 

not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God 

indeed.'



139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at 

other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part 

with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, 

sell him, sell him, sell him, ' sell him,' as fast as a man could speak; 

against which also, in my mind, as and other times, I answered, No, no, 

not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. 

But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I 

felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him go, if he will! and I 

thought also, that I felt my heart ' freely' consent thereto. 'Oh, the 

diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!'



140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot 

from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting 

out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as 

heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for the space of 

two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all recovery, 

and bound over to eternal punishment.



141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane 

person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye 

know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, 

he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, so he sought it 

carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).



142. 'Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment 

to  come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but 

damnation, and an expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would 

abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the 

sequel you will see.'



143. These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the 

continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about 

ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of 

sorrow in guilt, God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, 

that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence 

bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a 

stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, begin, "The 

blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).



144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as 

if the tempter did leer[35] and steal away from me, as being ashamed of 

what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of 

Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood 

of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot or stone before me, is to 

this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good 

encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, 

methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but 

because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding 

guilt again.



145. 'But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's 

selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the 

week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so 

that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn 

me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence would be 

sounding in me, "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would 

have inherited the blessing - he found no place of repentance, though he 

sought it carefully with tears."'



146. Sometimes also, [36] I should have a touch from that in Luke 

22:32, "I have prayed for the, that thy faith fail not"; but it would not 

abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state, find 

ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that  

grace within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent 

in heavy case, for many days together.



147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature 

and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in 

any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by 

which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that third of 

Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the 

sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, 

methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the 

pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought 

it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who 

had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are 

mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, 

but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I 

had done.



148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin 

unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall 

blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in 

danger of eternal damnation" (Mark 3:29). And I did the rather give 

credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews common "For ye 

know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, 

he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought 

it carefully with tears." 'And this stuck always with me.'



149. 'And now was I both the burden and a terror to myself, nor did I 

ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid 

to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! 

Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own! for there was 

nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was 

impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved 

from wrath to come.'



150. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past; 

wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, 

when I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with great 

indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather 

have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But, alas! 

these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help 

me; the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am 

fallen. Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the 

days when God preserved me!" [Job 29:2]



151. Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to 

compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that 

were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery 

and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too 

committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering, I 

perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law 

of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his 

Word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the 

Mediator thereof; 'I had sold my Saviour.' 



152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel,[37] when I 

considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so 

void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? 

Must it needs be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that wicked 

one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in all these 

sentences!



153. 'What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one 

sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be 

guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so 

many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I 

commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These things would 

so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I 

thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to 

aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that 

afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." 

Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself.'



154. After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in 

denying his master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I 

could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after light and 

mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also 

considered, that he did both once and twice; and that, after time to 

consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, 

that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was 

but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. 

Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than 

either to David or Peter.



155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflicte me; yea, it 

would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of 

God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus 

considering of other men's sins, and comparing of them with my own, I 

could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their 

wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son 

of perdition.



156. But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that 

God did set about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, 

whom God had hedge in! They were within his care, protection, and 

special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet 

because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the 

range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not 

preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, 

to fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's 

keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort 

me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the 

Lord had blessed.



157. 'Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all providences and 

dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the 

temptations that they had to sin against him, not to animate them unto 

wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and 

also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy, 

but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the 

way off the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what 

kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe 

and dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would let David, 

Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them 

fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be 

the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though he 

chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he 

makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these 

thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now 

thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, 

that was killing to me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that 

was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do 

good to them that were the called, according to his purpose; so I 

thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal 

overthrow.'



158. Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, 

if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is 

unpardonable. And, oh! thought I, if it 'should differ from it,' though 

but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And, 

by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was 

against my  'prayer and' strivings; besides, his was committed with 

much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; 'all this 

while' I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from trouble 

to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of 

the dreadful consequences thereof.



159. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some 

little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, 

transgressed so foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I 

thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit the 

unpardonable sin; ‘also I thought’ that there might be degrees of that, as 

well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I yet could 

perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed 

by.



160. ‘I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man 

as Judas; I thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints 

at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a good 

man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart 

tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in 

walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience 

before him.’



161. ‘I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by 

receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a 

day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such 

grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things should 

indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease for the 

present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much before 

hand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing 

your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use 

to help themselves withal.’



162. ‘But, oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as 

it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! 

Methought the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already; 

so that such things could have no entertainment. But, methinks, I see by 

this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he 

loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, 

and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.’



163. ‘I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was 

swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away 

from God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come 

in, It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction, 

but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning 

Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received 

the blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that 

dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira;[38] a book that 

was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound; 

every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of 

his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, 

his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining 

away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives 

and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to 

me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues 

thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall 

like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; “for you know how 

that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was 

rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it 

carefully with tears.”’



164. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at 

sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well 

as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful 

judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most 

fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my 

stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some 

times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of 

that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and 

all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).



165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, 

even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he 

had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, 

and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which 

burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor 

lie, either at rest or quiet.



166. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath 

received gifts for the rebellious (Psa 68:18). “The rebellious,” thought 

I; why, surely they are such as once were under subjection to their 

prince, even those who, after they have sworn subjection to his 

government, have taken up arms against him; ‘and this, thought I, is my 

very condition; once I loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am 

a rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he 

has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?’



167. This sometimes I